When your heart drops upon receiving that phone call…
This week has been a bit emotionally crazy. We got a call earlier this week with news that Paul’s grandma is back in the hospital due to her unstable health conditions.. with even more shocking news that she might only make it through the week, if we’re lucky. While she was conscious and awake earlier in the week, she was in a lot of pain and suffering going back and forth from the ICU.. The family made the decision to pull the life support plug midweek, and she went into a coma. Now, we are unsure how much longer she will have to live, but funeral arrangements have been made and family members are readying their hearts to say their goodbyes.
To me, I immediately felt so much love when I first met halmunee. She blessed our relationship and was especially happy because we both have the same maiden name. She is the person who brought security and tangible love for Paul while he was growing up. And now, I feel so regretful that we didn’t properly visit her in Korea while she was healthy and well. I feel so regretful that we didn’t call her more often. I feel so regretful that I didn’t have more opportunities to get to know her. I feel so regretful that the boys never got to meet the person who is so important to their dad. I know that Paul will have an especially hard time facing this reality. I can only pray that God will comfort him and be with him in this time of difficulty.
Fortunately, through our rushed efforts to obtain proper documentation, we were able to get Paul on a plane Thursday night so that he could be with his grandma in her last moments in Korea. I am so sad that our boys and I won’t be able to join due to not having a passport ready to travel for the twins, but I know that God has his purposes and it is always good.
Soul Care: Grief
I find myself returning to my church’s recent sermon series on Soul Care and on the topic of grief. Pastor Jeff shared that grief is a natural human response to loss. However, when we experience loss, many of us have a tendency to numb our pain by turning to addictions and attempting to avoid the pain instead of facing it. When we grieve, it was suggested that we should address the issue to God, be honest with God, and ask God for help.
In other words, we need to properly grieve by allowing ourselves to do our ugly cry with God. We should allow ourselves to be weak in the moment and reveal all the feelings we may have internally. Don’t be quick to move onto the next thing too fast or pretend everything is okay. It’s definitely not okay, but it’s okay to be not okay and to be real with God. There’s not a single thing you can do that will make him love you less. Maybe we feel the need to be strong due to whatever reasons it may be, but it’s okay to show our weaknesses, especially before God. We all have our own journey when it comes to loss.. for some, it might take some extended processing to accept the loss and to face the reality of moving forward without that person. However, when we properly grieve, we are able to come back to a place of trust with him.
My prayer is just that. I pray that Paul will allow himself to grieve during this process and for him to be able to trust in God and find hope in Him.
