The boys are 41 weeks now… 9 months and 12 days old. That is how long I have survived in trying to keep these 2 little humans alive.
Being a mom is hard!
Here’s something for ya… It’s a struggle every single day.
Some days are better than others and some days are worse than others, but I’m doing my best and giving my all. The dishes may have piled up over the course of a few days, the laundry might not be folded from last week, toys are still probably all over the floor from the morning, and we don’t always enjoy a home-cooked meal, but the boys are alive and we survived another day. Their diapers are changed and their bellies are full. My husband and I love each other and support one another. Jesus is our lover and God continues to provide for our every need. These simple truths are more than enough. So at the end of the day, I can say I did it.
When the boys were just born and we were trying to figure out this whole how-to-parent thing, many people told us that it will get easier after their 100 days (Korean celebration for babies). Well I can’t confidently say that was the case for us.
Some of the hardships that I faced include breastfeeding with sore nipples, poor latch and low supply, that tiresome feeding schedule where I nursed, bottle fed, then pumped and Wyatt taking 1 hour to drink a 3 oz bottle (pretty much a cry session), Owen taking forever to go to sleep, being on different schedules, sleeping only 2-3 hours at a time at night, and of course, the screaming car rides. When I went back to work and school, the boys weren’t yet sleeping through the night. I was a zombie at work and zombie at home. I felt like I was barely trying to stay afloat. Things have gotten significantly more easier, but it’s still so hard.
Before having the boys
I used to be able to sleep in when we didn’t have the boys. Now, my days starts when my official alarm goes off at 6 am everyday: the sound of the boys’ cries (or laughs and babbles, if it’s a happy morning).
Pre-momhood, I could choose to spend the day however I wanted. I could go anywhere I wanted or meet up with whomever I wanted. Before we became parents, we could spontaneously go out to random places or catch a late-night movie at the theater. Now, if we want to go out, we always need to make some calls to secure someone to watch the boys for a few hours. If no one is available, we are just stuck.
Without the boys, I could walk the aisles of Target and take my sweet time. These days, if I’m out at the store or wherever in public, the boys enjoy the change in environment, but I still have to be ready with snackies (which doesn’t work every time because snacks can only last for so long). It’s just too unpredictable whether it will be a nice, pleasant trip, or if it will be one where one or both of them will cry and be big butts. Then there’s embarrassment of having 2 crying children, unable to comfort both of them, and people feeling sorry that I have my hands full, which I do.
Mommyhood is a blessing
I’m grateful for all these struggles though, because the boys–despite the hardship they give us–are still my boys. I feel tremendously honored and blessed that I get to mother them. I can’t imagine what life would be like without either of them. It’s just not an option. I don’t care how hard it might get or what freedoms I may have lost, because I would never trade my boys for my life prior when they weren’t in our lives. I have a deep love for them and will continue to commit my time and efforts to raise them up to be valiant men of God.
People keep telling me I’m a super mom and that they’re proud of me, and sometimes, I agree. But other times, I feel like crap and helpless and I really just want to give up. I try to be patient, but I still get angry and frustrated.. sometimes towards the boys, sometimes towards my husband, and sometimes at myself. This makes me question myself as a mom because I forget what I have to be proud of when I feel like I could be a better me. But today, I want to affirm myself to remind myself of some truths.
- I carried 2 boys for 9 whole months. I went to every checkup and my perinatologist never detected twin to twin transfusion.
- I gave birth naturally.. I wanted to give up but I didn’t.
- The boys were healthy. They didn’t have to go into the NICU. We brought the boys home the very next day.
- The boys have health insurance
- I prepare meals for my family.
- I am working towards becoming a school psychologist.
- My husband loves me and is proud of me. He appreciates me and serves me daily. He takes care of me and protects me. I am loved and accepted by him.
- The boys take 2 long naps (1-2 hours) and sleep through the night (12 hours).
- The boys are being nourished daily and they love their table foods.
There might be more to edit and add to this list, but for now this will do. I thank God for his help in my time of need. I am grateful for all that I have been given and want to be okay and content with where I am. I realize more and more that I have tremendous grace and favor over my life, and in so many areas of my life. God has given me this resiliency to overcome every struggle and to find joy in hardship. He has placed these precious little boys in our hands and I am just so grateful that I get to be their mommy.